May 1, 1998

1001 Ways to Torture a Cat

Ways to Torture a Catby Ares

Many a time have I wanted to beat the shit out of that furry little bastard that always seems to piss me off. Either by taking a nice warm shit on my brand new carpet, or decided to use me as a clawing device.

In this small file, i'd like to suggest ways to hurt or piss of the little shithead that you can't get rid of, usually cuz you're mom thinks it's the nicest fucker alive.

1 -- Kick it Around, you know, when the fucker get's in your way, whether it be when you're taking a shit and it comes in and watches, or when you're sleeping and it sits on your face. Just put a little force into it and BLAM! The fucker goes flying. It's especially nice to watch a cat go flying on a wood floor, with all four spread, doing 360's and crying like a Mexican without his burrito. Kicking him from under (like under the stomach) let's loose a flying cat, spinning and twirling in the air.

2 -- Tail tricks....This is the fun part...Seeing the cat can't really get to it's tail, you can do shit with it and the cat it defenseless. Try tying the cat's tail to his front paw, cuz everyone time it walks, it's tail get's pulled, looks like some diseased person trying to walk. Or even better, get a nice grab of the tail, and start spinning the cat around using it, the cat will have to take the pain, cuz by force of nature, it can't reach it's paws around to scratch you since it's spinning so fast it's paws are spread-eagle like. If you have glue, and the cat's tail is long enough, or maybe just a tad shorter, you can glue it's tail to it's nose, which is cool. The cat moves his head and his ass comes up with it (how'z that for a chain reaction?) Like it'll be walking around town with it's ass all dangling up, all the other furry fucks will ram it up, which in turn, will make the cat freak when it tries to sit down (get it?). But that's kinda mean.

3 -- Wiskers (heh, heh, heh)....Ok, you know who you are people, you kind that clips cat's wiskers and laughs like hell. Cat's use wiskers to navigate in the dark, like when they're entering a tight spot, their wiskers will tell them if they're about to run into something (kind of like those cadillacs with those metal tubes sticking out the side). So what do you do? You cut the fuckers wiskers, down to you start getting fur. Then you gotta through the cat in a closet, and open the door, oh, about 4 inches. The cat will naturally be fucked and stunned that us humans would do such a thing (it probably is equlivant of a cat cutting off your dick) and he'll start bumping around, wondering what the fuck....So you just sit there and laugh your ass off. The cat might eventually make it's way out of the closet, but maybe you could, hmmm...Find something else to do to it after that? (grin>

4 -- Pillow Case....Well, this is kind of funny...All you do is throw the little fuck in a pillow case, and go into an open room (you don't want to beat it to death, well, not yet adleast). And start swinging the fucker around in circles, again and again, the cat will probably crying for it's life (but don't give in to it's whining, cuz when it get's out, it wants blood) keep swinging it around and around, faster and faster, stop when you're too dizzy to figure out where the cat is, then quickly open the pillow case and let the bastard fall out (it WILL fall, believe me). You got to make sure you can see it (cuz you're gonna me almost as dizzy). The fucker will be sitting there, moving it's head in circles, still thinking it spinning. This is the good part, cuz as far as the cat knows, it's totally high on Catnip or something. You can do anything, it's up to you.

4 -- Water ...We all know that cats hate water more than dogs, and would rather travel in a car then deal with it. But cat's are funny as hell in water. Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or something with water in it that the cat will fit in. Throw the fucker in for a minute or two (unless it's definitely going to drown, we'll talk about killing them later) and watch it squeal..They act like water is acid or something and yet they still drink water out of the toilet when none is available (these fuckers gotta get their facts straight). After the cat has had enough torture, grab it by the ear, or tail, or get a good grab around it's head and throw it out (throw it outside you fool). When a cat get's wet (especially a long-haired cat) they look like giant ferrets, really nasty like (which might persuade you to do something else, like nail it to a 2 by 4 and shoot it full of b-b's) but don't hurt it too bad..

5 -- Misc. shit....Stick the cat in the Microwave (no, really) and don't turn it on (yet) just let it sit there, and look through the little see-through window...It should be scared as hell, since it's in a really tight spot, can't move much at all...If you really want to screw the fucker, nuke it! Just nuke it for 20 seconds at a time...The cat will start squirming at about 10 seconds (depending on the wattage of the Microwave)...After about 30 seconds, the cat will definitely have radiation poisioning, which will probably kill it within a month or less. If you nuke it for a minute, you'll probably kill it, depending on the size of the cat, the microwave cooks inside out, so after a minute, it's intestines and lungs will be a little toasty, maybe killing it, if not, probably sterilizing it or leaving it a slow and terrible death. Of course, you can go "All-Out" if you REALLY express rage for it, and can nuke it for 5 minutes...This is NOT for the Squeamish....I DO know someone who did this, and saw it....It was pretty fucking gross, and being the cat hater I am, I still felt sorry for it. In 30 seconds, it starts kicking and screaming and freaking out (which brings me to the point, you gotta make sure the door can't be opened, and you gotta make sure you don't want the microwave anymore). In 1 minute, it was started to spaz like nothing you've ever seen before, some blood was coming from it's mouth due to internal cuts the Nuking did, all types of seisures and some last moans were following at 2 minutes. At about 2 and a half minutes, the cat was still alive, it's pupils were dialated and it was twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis gun up it's ass...At 3 minutes, it's almost dead...The smell of the cat would make any mortician throw up, that's why I would suggest alot of open windows and doors and some type of gas mask on. The last two minutes it the cool part...Now that the fucker is dead (for good reason too) it's time to watch the fireworks...I think at around 4 minutes, the cat started popping, it's eyeballs literally popped out of it's sockets, and the blood started to ooze, not a pretty sight..At about, 4 mins 15 seconds, it's fur starts to curl (although it was already crispy) and at about 5 minutes, the whole microwave is one big slaughterhouse. Which brings me to clean up...DON'T! I said earlier, Nuke the cat in a microwave you no longer want to use (not to mention the microwave is probably broken anyway). Just throw the microwave away and chuckle off a couple laughs...Even take poloraids if you want.

You're probably saying, how the fuck is he going to write another 996 ways to torture a cat? Well, the answer is, he ain't.

Another Morbid file Written by Ares -- 11/28/88

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100 Ways to be a Better Asshole

Ways to be a Better Asshole
by Sinister Fiend
  1. Argue with everybody.
  2. Touch the paintings at the museum.
  3. Get hysterical.
  4. Threaten law suits.
  5. Insinuate, implicate and insist.
  6. If you got it, flaunt it.
  7. Eat produce at the grocery store and don't pay for it.
  8. Gamble with the rent money.
  9. Record over a borrowed vcr tape
  10. Tell people that they are in your will, even if they aren't.
  11. Don't get caught.
  12. Stay directly in front or behine fire trucks and ambulances.
  13. When giving out directions, leave out a turn or two.
  14. Don't make up your mind.
  15. Improve your posture by walking with your nose in the air.
  16. Remind people who lose their job that they should work harder.
  17. Talk with your mouth full.
  18. Accuse, confuse and refuse.
  19. Comment on the weight gain of others.
  20. Adjust your nuts (boob) whenever you want.
  21. Keep a pile of wisecracks for tense and serious situations.
  22. Answer a question with a question.
  23. See what it takes for the lifeguard to blow the whistle.
  24. Don't give to charities unless you get something back.
  25. Add the straw that breaks the camels back.
  26. Clean your finger nails at the dinner table.
  27. Tell people what they think they wanna hear.
  28. Notice good ideas and pass them on as your own.
  29. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner or hotel reservations.
  30. Don't volunteer for the back seat and never take the middle one.
  31. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
  32. Never do anything until you have been asked twice.
  33. Put off until tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow.
  34. Spot test "Wet Paint" signs.
  35. Go up on the down escalator and vice versa.
  36. Dont shower after a hard workout.
  37. Lie about your age.
  38. Change channels every two seconds
  39. Develop at least 3 strategies for cutting if front of a
  40. Underline in other peoples books.
  41. Slurp your soup.
  42. If you can't think of something nice, say something nasty.
  43. Be judgmental.
  44. Announce when your going to the bathroom.
  45. Read over peoples shoulders on the bus.
  46. Ignore deadlines.
  47. Revenge is sweet... so get some.
  48. Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while your at it, leave the cap off.
  49. Curse the umpire at a Little League game.
  50. When it says "Reserved Parking" that means you.
  51. Take the labels off of unopened cans.
  52. Cover up your mistakes and pass the blame.
  53. Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one that you want.
  54. Borrow handkerchiefs to blow your nose.
  55. When your done with your gum, stick it under the chair.
  56. If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it.
  57. Bribe little kids... cause they're easy!
  58. Put a rude message on someone elses answering machine.
  59. Measure people by their money and the clothes they wear.
  60. Be ambiguous, it lets you work both sides of the issue.
  61. Leave your underwear in the sink.
  62. Chew other peoples pencils.
  63. Support the death penalty for parking tickets.
  64. Get a backseat drivers license.
  65. Dish it out, but don't take it.
  66. Be a perfectionist in absolutely everything.
  67. Apologize a lot, but don't change.
  68. Change the rules to suit your needs.
  69. Put your cigarette out in planters.
  70. Wear a shirt thats says 'Fuck You' or to that affect.
  71. Pull the covers over to your side.
  72. Eat cookies or crackers in bed.
  73. Let doors slam behind you ? in people's faces.
  74. Repeat yourself.
  75. Repeat yourself.
  76. Tell your kids 'How it was..' back when you were a kid.
  77. Vividly describe a hysterectomy to your date before ordering dinner.
  78. Scribble your signature on important documents.
  79. Use the whole can of starter fluid on the charcoal.
  80. Put things back where they don't belong.
  81. Take a colicky baby to the movies.
  82. Have belching contests in restaurants.
  83. Make the same mistake twice.
  84. Pee in the swimming pool.
  85. Ride on the shoulder un you pass all the jammed traffic, and then cut in.
  86. Wear a large hat to the movies.
  87. Always have an ulterior motive.
  88. Always take the biggest piece.
  89. Forget the pooper scooper when walking your dog.
  90. Take cheap shots.
  91. Take forever to find a word in Scrabble.
  92. Cause gridlock.
  93. Get up on the wrong side of bed.
  94. Change your mind.
  95. Glue a chip on your shoulder.
  96. Put salt in sugar containers.
  97. Blow out other peoples birthday candles.
  98. Don't refill the ice cube tray.
  99. Ask people what they paid for their clothes.
  100. Cut off people in the middle of their sentences.
  101. Practice pulling the wool over people's faces.

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Bananas and Sprite... Who knew?

Bananas and Sprite
by LadyKobar
So, in the cafeteria, my friend comes up to me and tells me that I can get high from bananas and sprite. Being the daring person that I am, I tell him that I'll do it if he tells me how. He said to eat two bananas as fast as I could and then chug a sprite immediately afterwards. Luckily, another friend overheard us talking and advised me not to because it would be entirely painful. WARNING!! THIS DOES NOT GET YOU HIGH!! I was almost mislead into this prank (what great friends I have). So my point, tell this insane idea to somebody that you don't like or someone who you know will do this. The actual effect is the intense pain of a mixture of mushed bananas and sprite coming out of your mouth and nose. I don't know exactly how this works. Maybe it has something to do with the carbonation and potassium, I'm not sure. If you know please let me in on this phenomenon. It's hilarious for the onlookers but I would strongly suggest buying your friend something nice after the hell that you'll put them through.

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The Bizzaro Annoyer

The Bizzaro AnnoyerThe Bizzaro Annoyer is a circuit designed and created by the Bleach Eating Freaks. The purpose of the circuit is to simply sound every minute (or whatever time setting. Then we hide the circuit in someone's room or class and watch as sanity slowly wears away.
The circuit was named by BEF after a Sealab 2021 episode that's a favorite of mine :)

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How to destroy the Earth

How to destroy the Earth

Destroying the Earth is harder than you may have been led to believe.

You've seen the action movies where the bad guy threatens to destroy the Earth. You've heard people on the news claiming that the next nuclear war or cutting down rainforests or persisting in releasing hideous quantities of pollution into the atmosphere threatens to end the world.


The Earth was built to last. It is a 4,550,000,000-year-old, 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000-tonne ball of iron. It has taken more devastating asteroid hits in its lifetime than you've had hot dinners, and lo, it still orbits merrily.

Top 10 Ways to Destroy Earth

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Meet the criminal mastermind who plans to go whale-hunting in Utah

A STUDENT is planning to carry out a crime spree by travelling across the United States and breaking weird local laws along the way.

Richard Smith, 23, will risk being arrested for falling asleep in a cheese factory in South Dakota and going whale-hunting in landlocked Utah. He intends to break about 40 strange state and town laws as he crosses America, starting from the notorious former prison island of Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay.

His 18,000-mile journey across the continent will end in Hartford, Connecticut, where it is illegal to cross the road while walking on your hands.

Mr Smith, from Portreath, Cornwall, said: “I am not really one of those people who likes going away and sitting by a pool. I want a purpose, and this seemed perfect.”

The inspiration for his criminal crusade came while he was playing a board game which included details of a law forbidding widows in Florida from going parachuting on Sundays.

He then researched America’s odd legislation on the internet and came up with his 40 favourites.

He said he was disappointed that the senate in Virginia this month dropped a Bill making it illegal to wear low-slung trousers exposing your underwear.

Mr Smith, a journalism student at Cornwall College, Camborne, plans to write a book about his exploits and is hoping to interest a television company in the story.

Asked if he was worried about running foul of the law, he said: “I think there’s more chance I will get arrested for the way I break the laws than for breaking the laws themselves.

“Who knows, there might actually be a good reason for their existence — I am quite willing to find out.”

He plans to set off in late July with his partner in crime, Luke Bateman, 20, from Redruth, Cornwall, and estimates that the challenge will take him eight weeks.

Mr Smith is not the first Briton to pursue an eccentric quest. In 2000 comedian Dave Gorman travelled around the world in search of 54 of his namesakes.

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You can now marry your mother-in-law

You can now marry your mother-in-law, if you are a Scottish male under an amendment to the legal system in Scotland.

The law though is not partial and allows women to marry their fathers-in-law, reports the Herald.

This new change in the family law is contrary to the old rule dating back to 1567, that was based on the Old Testament, and said, if a man takes a wife and lies with her mother, all three should be burnt to death. Earlier, marrying a parent-in-law was only allowed after the death of both former spouses.

The Scots Law Commission recommended the change saying that the old law made no sense and was unreasonable.

The new system also draws a clear distinction between the continuing ban on marrying a blood relative, and the centuries-old ban on marrying those related "by affinity".

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Mystery shoe saga stumps couple

Mystery shoe saga stumps couplePairs of shoes are being left in mysterious circumstances outside a remote farmhouse in Lincolnshire.
Jason and Claire Foster, who live near Market Rasen, do not know who is doing it or why they have left as many as four pairs of shoes at one time.
The family have video footage, which shows an elderly couple driving by in a green vehicle depositing the shoes.
Mrs Foster said that although it was scary at first, she was rather hoping some of the pairs might fit.

Fly tipping

Some of the shoes are cheap, with price labels of £1.99 attached and some are more expensive designer brands.
They have been left on a regular basis since December, often on a Sunday.
Mrs Foster added: "The biggest question is why? We would love to know why."
East Lindsey District Council are investigating the incident as a case of fly tipping.
"Sometimes it's odd ones, sometimes it's a couple of pairs. But they're of all shapes and sizes. There has even been pairs of roller blades," a council environment official said.
"There must have been more than 30 pairs so far - it's been going on for months."
He said the maximum penalty for a first offence of fly-tipping was £20,000, but it depended on its severity.

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How To Ruin Your Microwave With A Grape

 How To Ruin Your Microwave With A GrapeHow to make a glowing ball of plasma in your microwave with a grape.

Its the damnedest thing you've ever seen. Please realize that although we haven't actually damaged any of the ovens we've done this with, the potential exists to damage or destroy the microwave that this is done in, and the possibility also exists that it could harm a human being if the proper precautions are not made. Please see to it that you are willing to pay $200 for a new microwave before you try this, and that you have a fire extinguisher nearby. If you are under age 18, please seek the supervision of a parent or guardian. I accept no responsibility should this experiment cause damage or injury.
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How to cook salmon... In a dishwasher.

 How to cook salmon... In a dishwasher.
Le Secret: Make sure the packet is airtight by pressing down on it gently with your hand. If air escapes easily, repackage.
Adventure club: Poach the salmon with yesterday's dishes and lemon-scented dishwasher detergent (I do it this way all the time).
Garnish: Cilantro sprigs.
Suggested Accompaniment: Yellow string beans, steamed and glazed with lemon juice and butter.
Music To Cook By: Le Cirque de Soleil Soundtrack from Alegria
Wine: California Pinot Noir
Dishwasher Salmon with Cilantro Sauce

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