May 1, 1998

100 Ways to be a Better Asshole

Ways to be a Better Asshole
by Sinister Fiend
  1. Argue with everybody.
  2. Touch the paintings at the museum.
  3. Get hysterical.
  4. Threaten law suits.
  5. Insinuate, implicate and insist.
  6. If you got it, flaunt it.
  7. Eat produce at the grocery store and don't pay for it.
  8. Gamble with the rent money.
  9. Record over a borrowed vcr tape
  10. Tell people that they are in your will, even if they aren't.
  11. Don't get caught.
  12. Stay directly in front or behine fire trucks and ambulances.
  13. When giving out directions, leave out a turn or two.
  14. Don't make up your mind.
  15. Improve your posture by walking with your nose in the air.
  16. Remind people who lose their job that they should work harder.
  17. Talk with your mouth full.
  18. Accuse, confuse and refuse.
  19. Comment on the weight gain of others.
  20. Adjust your nuts (boob) whenever you want.
  21. Keep a pile of wisecracks for tense and serious situations.
  22. Answer a question with a question.
  23. See what it takes for the lifeguard to blow the whistle.
  24. Don't give to charities unless you get something back.
  25. Add the straw that breaks the camels back.
  26. Clean your finger nails at the dinner table.
  27. Tell people what they think they wanna hear.
  28. Notice good ideas and pass them on as your own.
  29. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner or hotel reservations.
  30. Don't volunteer for the back seat and never take the middle one.
  31. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
  32. Never do anything until you have been asked twice.
  33. Put off until tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow.
  34. Spot test "Wet Paint" signs.
  35. Go up on the down escalator and vice versa.
  36. Dont shower after a hard workout.
  37. Lie about your age.
  38. Change channels every two seconds
  39. Develop at least 3 strategies for cutting if front of a
  40. Underline in other peoples books.
  41. Slurp your soup.
  42. If you can't think of something nice, say something nasty.
  43. Be judgmental.
  44. Announce when your going to the bathroom.
  45. Read over peoples shoulders on the bus.
  46. Ignore deadlines.
  47. Revenge is sweet... so get some.
  48. Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while your at it, leave the cap off.
  49. Curse the umpire at a Little League game.
  50. When it says "Reserved Parking" that means you.
  51. Take the labels off of unopened cans.
  52. Cover up your mistakes and pass the blame.
  53. Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one that you want.
  54. Borrow handkerchiefs to blow your nose.
  55. When your done with your gum, stick it under the chair.
  56. If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it.
  57. Bribe little kids... cause they're easy!
  58. Put a rude message on someone elses answering machine.
  59. Measure people by their money and the clothes they wear.
  60. Be ambiguous, it lets you work both sides of the issue.
  61. Leave your underwear in the sink.
  62. Chew other peoples pencils.
  63. Support the death penalty for parking tickets.
  64. Get a backseat drivers license.
  65. Dish it out, but don't take it.
  66. Be a perfectionist in absolutely everything.
  67. Apologize a lot, but don't change.
  68. Change the rules to suit your needs.
  69. Put your cigarette out in planters.
  70. Wear a shirt thats says 'Fuck You' or to that affect.
  71. Pull the covers over to your side.
  72. Eat cookies or crackers in bed.
  73. Let doors slam behind you ? in people's faces.
  74. Repeat yourself.
  75. Repeat yourself.
  76. Tell your kids 'How it was..' back when you were a kid.
  77. Vividly describe a hysterectomy to your date before ordering dinner.
  78. Scribble your signature on important documents.
  79. Use the whole can of starter fluid on the charcoal.
  80. Put things back where they don't belong.
  81. Take a colicky baby to the movies.
  82. Have belching contests in restaurants.
  83. Make the same mistake twice.
  84. Pee in the swimming pool.
  85. Ride on the shoulder un you pass all the jammed traffic, and then cut in.
  86. Wear a large hat to the movies.
  87. Always have an ulterior motive.
  88. Always take the biggest piece.
  89. Forget the pooper scooper when walking your dog.
  90. Take cheap shots.
  91. Take forever to find a word in Scrabble.
  92. Cause gridlock.
  93. Get up on the wrong side of bed.
  94. Change your mind.
  95. Glue a chip on your shoulder.
  96. Put salt in sugar containers.
  97. Blow out other peoples birthday candles.
  98. Don't refill the ice cube tray.
  99. Ask people what they paid for their clothes.
  100. Cut off people in the middle of their sentences.
  101. Practice pulling the wool over people's faces.

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Bananas and Sprite... Who knew?

Bananas and Sprite
by LadyKobar
So, in the cafeteria, my friend comes up to me and tells me that I can get high from bananas and sprite. Being the daring person that I am, I tell him that I'll do it if he tells me how. He said to eat two bananas as fast as I could and then chug a sprite immediately afterwards. Luckily, another friend overheard us talking and advised me not to because it would be entirely painful. WARNING!! THIS DOES NOT GET YOU HIGH!! I was almost mislead into this prank (what great friends I have). So my point, tell this insane idea to somebody that you don't like or someone who you know will do this. The actual effect is the intense pain of a mixture of mushed bananas and sprite coming out of your mouth and nose. I don't know exactly how this works. Maybe it has something to do with the carbonation and potassium, I'm not sure. If you know please let me in on this phenomenon. It's hilarious for the onlookers but I would strongly suggest buying your friend something nice after the hell that you'll put them through.

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The Bizzaro Annoyer

The Bizzaro AnnoyerThe Bizzaro Annoyer is a circuit designed and created by the Bleach Eating Freaks. The purpose of the circuit is to simply sound every minute (or whatever time setting. Then we hide the circuit in someone's room or class and watch as sanity slowly wears away.
The circuit was named by BEF after a Sealab 2021 episode that's a favorite of mine :)

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How to destroy the Earth

How to destroy the Earth

Destroying the Earth is harder than you may have been led to believe.

You've seen the action movies where the bad guy threatens to destroy the Earth. You've heard people on the news claiming that the next nuclear war or cutting down rainforests or persisting in releasing hideous quantities of pollution into the atmosphere threatens to end the world.


The Earth was built to last. It is a 4,550,000,000-year-old, 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000-tonne ball of iron. It has taken more devastating asteroid hits in its lifetime than you've had hot dinners, and lo, it still orbits merrily.

Top 10 Ways to Destroy Earth

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Meet the criminal mastermind who plans to go whale-hunting in Utah

A STUDENT is planning to carry out a crime spree by travelling across the United States and breaking weird local laws along the way.

Richard Smith, 23, will risk being arrested for falling asleep in a cheese factory in South Dakota and going whale-hunting in landlocked Utah. He intends to break about 40 strange state and town laws as he crosses America, starting from the notorious former prison island of Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay.

His 18,000-mile journey across the continent will end in Hartford, Connecticut, where it is illegal to cross the road while walking on your hands.

Mr Smith, from Portreath, Cornwall, said: “I am not really one of those people who likes going away and sitting by a pool. I want a purpose, and this seemed perfect.”

The inspiration for his criminal crusade came while he was playing a board game which included details of a law forbidding widows in Florida from going parachuting on Sundays.

He then researched America’s odd legislation on the internet and came up with his 40 favourites.

He said he was disappointed that the senate in Virginia this month dropped a Bill making it illegal to wear low-slung trousers exposing your underwear.

Mr Smith, a journalism student at Cornwall College, Camborne, plans to write a book about his exploits and is hoping to interest a television company in the story.

Asked if he was worried about running foul of the law, he said: “I think there’s more chance I will get arrested for the way I break the laws than for breaking the laws themselves.

“Who knows, there might actually be a good reason for their existence — I am quite willing to find out.”

He plans to set off in late July with his partner in crime, Luke Bateman, 20, from Redruth, Cornwall, and estimates that the challenge will take him eight weeks.

Mr Smith is not the first Briton to pursue an eccentric quest. In 2000 comedian Dave Gorman travelled around the world in search of 54 of his namesakes.

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You can now marry your mother-in-law

You can now marry your mother-in-law, if you are a Scottish male under an amendment to the legal system in Scotland.

The law though is not partial and allows women to marry their fathers-in-law, reports the Herald.

This new change in the family law is contrary to the old rule dating back to 1567, that was based on the Old Testament, and said, if a man takes a wife and lies with her mother, all three should be burnt to death. Earlier, marrying a parent-in-law was only allowed after the death of both former spouses.

The Scots Law Commission recommended the change saying that the old law made no sense and was unreasonable.

The new system also draws a clear distinction between the continuing ban on marrying a blood relative, and the centuries-old ban on marrying those related "by affinity".

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Mystery shoe saga stumps couple

Mystery shoe saga stumps couplePairs of shoes are being left in mysterious circumstances outside a remote farmhouse in Lincolnshire.
Jason and Claire Foster, who live near Market Rasen, do not know who is doing it or why they have left as many as four pairs of shoes at one time.
The family have video footage, which shows an elderly couple driving by in a green vehicle depositing the shoes.
Mrs Foster said that although it was scary at first, she was rather hoping some of the pairs might fit.

Fly tipping

Some of the shoes are cheap, with price labels of £1.99 attached and some are more expensive designer brands.
They have been left on a regular basis since December, often on a Sunday.
Mrs Foster added: "The biggest question is why? We would love to know why."
East Lindsey District Council are investigating the incident as a case of fly tipping.
"Sometimes it's odd ones, sometimes it's a couple of pairs. But they're of all shapes and sizes. There has even been pairs of roller blades," a council environment official said.
"There must have been more than 30 pairs so far - it's been going on for months."
He said the maximum penalty for a first offence of fly-tipping was £20,000, but it depended on its severity.

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How To Ruin Your Microwave With A Grape

 How To Ruin Your Microwave With A GrapeHow to make a glowing ball of plasma in your microwave with a grape.

Its the damnedest thing you've ever seen. Please realize that although we haven't actually damaged any of the ovens we've done this with, the potential exists to damage or destroy the microwave that this is done in, and the possibility also exists that it could harm a human being if the proper precautions are not made. Please see to it that you are willing to pay $200 for a new microwave before you try this, and that you have a fire extinguisher nearby. If you are under age 18, please seek the supervision of a parent or guardian. I accept no responsibility should this experiment cause damage or injury.
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How to cook salmon... In a dishwasher.

 How to cook salmon... In a dishwasher.
Le Secret: Make sure the packet is airtight by pressing down on it gently with your hand. If air escapes easily, repackage.
Adventure club: Poach the salmon with yesterday's dishes and lemon-scented dishwasher detergent (I do it this way all the time).
Garnish: Cilantro sprigs.
Suggested Accompaniment: Yellow string beans, steamed and glazed with lemon juice and butter.
Music To Cook By: Le Cirque de Soleil Soundtrack from Alegria
Wine: California Pinot Noir
Dishwasher Salmon with Cilantro Sauce

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